Meet my newest friend! 
A little present from my dear husband!
Yesterday he came home with a HUGE package, all nicely wrapped up and when I opened it, this beauty came out. Pablo is clever - I guess it's his way of making a sequel to my previous cooking attemps.
We used to have an oven, which we'd bought second hand from an aidworker that was leaving for Africa. Soon after we bought it, it broke down completely. Since then I had to go back to my old 'olla horno' - some kind op pot that you can use on the gas stove and it works a bit like an oven. Don't ask me how, but it does.. I can even prove it. 
See?
Anyway, I had already noticed that from all the possible cooking you can think of I hate oven-stuff the least. I didn't feel like wasting a lot of money on a real oven, especially since we are never sure when there will be electricity (essential when cooking with an oven) , but I was thinking of buying a new 'olla horno', because well, the one I have didn't really survive well the trip from Jimani to Sto Dgo - when I moved, two years ago. Yes, I have been 'cooking' with the crooked thing for two years already. I guess it says a lot about my love for cooking.
Now he (Pablo) is pushing me into USING the oven. Hmm, right!
No, seriously... He wants some kind of lasagna with the left overs in the fridge, and so I will do my best. I on the other hand want BREAD! Home-made, deliciously smelling bread!!!
My previous attemps for making bread (including the old oven, and even the good old olla horno) were a disaster, to say the least. Yet, I have serious doubts that this cute new friend of mine will allow me to mess up again. A new oven, a new try.
If I don't show up boasting with pictures tomorrow, you better don't ask...
I start to believe my cooking deserves a new tag.
***
Some worries on my mind...
( behind a cut because worries are not what we need... )( Read more... )
***
and not a worry, but just....
( because all daddy's like to nap with their little girls... )
Now, if you excuse me, I will go and bake some bread (and lasagna).
I officially hate Paypal... spent nearly a whole day figuring the thing out - had some funny detour along the way, when all of a sudden the whole thing flipped over the fact that I am a Belgian in the DR - who would have thought that initial question "DR or other country?" would cause me such a mess? Anyway, got it fixed only to hear then that I can't use it right away. Come on!
But I guess I should look at it in a positive way... I did learn something new today, even if only that for paypal I live in Belgium, and not in the DR. I doubt this fact will make Ju happy, but I can't say I didn't try...
Else there's nothing new, apart from the fact that MARIA CALLED (in Leslie-language: yes, capital letters, bold and underlined!), from the USA no less, to hear how I am doing. Isn't that a major positive! After our chat I started wondering how long ago it was since I last saw her. A year and a half? I have been missing her, and Paloma - another friend- a lot, especially since Yael died. Life can be pretty lonely when you're left on your own.
It's kinda funny how people seem to enjoy my 'cooking stories'. Ha! It makes me feel kinda guilty and I might just try to cook something decent now, after the candy, crackers and half a cheese-sandwich I survived on today. Sometimes I really think it's for the best Yael didn't get -physically- in our little family. Would I really have been able to provide my kid good nutritious food, if I can't even do it for myself? I guess we'll never know. On the other hand I WILL change that part of me, even if only, for a next pregnancy, I won't be able to tell myself that they'll take him/her away again, because I'm a lousy cook. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
loputon asked me what's the story behind Yael's name.
Actually there isn't much of a story behind it. I always had this idea that I wanted my children to have names that 'sound' nice in both languages - Spanish and Dutch. When we were in Belgium last december, my sister showed me a christmas card from one of her students, and the girl was called Yaelle, I think. I immediately liked the sound of it, but decided I prefered a more 'Spanish' version, dropping the final -LE. Even if in the DR "Yael" as such doesn't exist, people seemed to think it was more of a name for a boy. Pablo and me didn't care. We liked Yael, and after a google search it turned out that in Israel (it's actually a jewish name and not French, as I first thought), but also in Holland Yael- written like this - is a girl's name.
But as easy it was to find a girl's name, we had some serious problems for boy's names - even if with just the same idea in mind: 'It should sound nice in both languages'. I tried many names, but Pablo veto'd them all - most often for very reasonable reasons. On my list of boy's names was for example: Joran (sounds like lloran- they are crying), Jolan (a Yola is a little boat that goes to Puerto Rico illegally, full of people, in an attempt to find a better life), I also liked Syme (but Simio is an ape in spanish), then Senne (but cena is 'dinner' in spanish, and Pablo already saw himself saying he'd bring 'dinner' home) and a few more... It was a forever problem. At a certain moment my mom suggested Lio for a girl, instead of Yael. What she didn't know was that lío, in spanish, means 'trouble' ('ambras' in NL)... My final call for a boy was Milo, but even if this one does sound nice in both languages (at least in my opinion), and it doesn't have some tricky meaning, Pablo hated it. In short: we never found a suitable boy's name, and we decided that if Yael would surprise us, and come out of the belly being a boy, we would have called her Yael anyway - in the very least the Dominicans would have been happy.
We (ok, I admit - I !!) have been 'brainstorming' about possible names for our next baby (after I learn how to cook properly). I count on the fact we will again have a girl. In that case Ada, Noa, and Jana are high in the running (not all names have to end in -A, but it makes it easier for Pablo to accept my suggestion, hehe)... For boy's names I guess I could still try Menno or something like that...
*sigh*.. suggestions always welcome, by the way...You never know, maybe the next time we get lucky we'll end up expecting twins-boys.
alankria 's journal , because he/she did an amazing job writing down the whole story. Ju is one of my friends too - the one who wrote Yael's story, and for those who participated in Beats of Life of last year - she is one of our writers!) The short version: My friend Ju (
shuju_the_red) needs $2,500 (that's in USD) by 11am Friday, Philippines-time (10pm Thursday for the USA's east coast), or she and her family lose their house. An explanation - and a paypal button - are below.The long(er) version:
About 15 years ago, Ju's mother co-signed a loan for a friend using the house as collateral. This friend defaulted (and has since died, as far as Ju knows), leaving Ju's mother with the loan. Ju's father got sick a few years later; hospital costs meant her mother fell behind, and it went to court. But a buy-back plan was settled.
Unfortunately, the original owner died before Ju's mother finished paying it back, and the new owner (the original's heir) has demanded double the amount. This is apparently legal, as Ju's mother didn't manage to pay it back in the original timeframe.
The $2,500 is back-rent. If Ju pays it, the owner makes a new rental contract and they've got the house for another 6 months.
Ju has been looking for another place, but the next cheapest is twice their current rent and won't accommodate her dog. In the long-term, she's confident she can pay back the money. But not right now, not this $2,500 payment by Friday. If they lose the home, they could probably stay with friends for a temporary roof; but, as I said, alternative renting options are over twice as expensive. If they lose the home, they still owe the debt.
Bear in mind that we're in the Philippines here, so $2,500 is a lot of money.
Because Ju's mother is, well, an airhead, Ju didn't even know about all this until very recently - when Ju's mother was arrested/kidnapped (yeah, it's a hazy line) by the military over a supposed tax evasion and Ju had to cough up over $10,000 to get her back. Normally you go to jail, file an appeal and post bail, but this didn't happen; she got put in a military camp and Ju had to bargain and pay to get her out. Sometimes the Philippines is corrupt and law-twisty, and there's not a lot you can do. (Ju managed to bargain it down to about $10,000 from over $50,000; she did what she could.)
That should tell you why Ju can't easily dredge up yet more thousands right now.
While she's technically in the higher income bracket in the Philippines, that's by third-world standards. She doesn't earn this much each month, barely half. Her sisters earn far, far less. Other problems include a loan her mother took out for her school, which is losing money - in part due to the recent floods wiping out the wealth of some of the students' parents. (This could potentially cause big problems of its own, especially if they have to close the school.) All in all, this means the family can't scrape together the money, not in days.
So Ju and her family needs money, urgently, and she has finally exhausted her local sources. Trust me when I say that Ju is desperate to come asking like this. Please, anything you can do to help my friend keep her home, buy her those 6 months of rental contract to improve her family's situation.
There's a paypal button below. If it's not working, her paypal email is jualbano [at] gmail.com . Anything you can spare will help. 250 people donating $10 will do it. That sounds incredibly feasible, if this spreads far enough. So even if you can't spare money right now, please repost or link to this. I don't know, in this timeframe, if a big auction like the ones for Vera and Sooj is possible - but if you have something that you think fans/art-lovers will bid for in a couple of days, let me know and I'll set up a community. If you can think of anything else to help raise the money, let me know.
If she gets over $2,500, well, you can see that there's a long-term situation here too. Excess money will go further towards helping Ju and her family manage the debt.
To repeat the basics: $2,500 by 10pm Thursday, US east-coast time (11am Friday, Philippines-time).
Thank you, so much, for any help you can give her.
The end of the seminar. The end of my 5 days of entertainment.
Hopefully this doesn't mean the end of my rather positive state of mind....
Yes, I KNOW I should think positive, so let's refrase that last sentence to: I will be able to keep my spirit high!
Feeling ok is a nice feeling, yet it has some strange aftertaste: as if Yael's story has just all been a strange dream. If someone would ask me if I have kids, I see myself capable of saying 'Me? No! Not even been pregnant' ... I don't really know what to do with that fact. It's nice to feel ok, but it also comforts me to 'feel reality' the days I am down. Does this make sense? Probably not...
Yesterday I had my third psy appointment. No massages for me this time, as a matter of fact I only spoke for about a minute during the whole session. She'd asked Pablo to join me this time, and so she had a nice chat with him, while I just observed and listened to both of them. It was great! I was surprised to see how open Pablo was about himself, how much he trusted my psy. I wasn't surprised by the things he said- I knew everything already, but just the fact of him sharing some of his deepest 'secrets' surprised me a lot. Also he said some really really nice things about me. And *snap* like this it helped me, even if I wasn't the one working this time.
The session also helped me in 'understanding' Pablo again. Not that I didn't understand him before that, but when you are confronted with someone day after day, you sometimes get focussed on the small details only, and you loose the whole perspective. At least I did. Getting Pablo's personality in resume - 1 hour of talking just gave me back again the general picture. Op top it showed me what HE sees important in his life.
It was great to have this moment, as the last few days had been rather rough between the two of us. And it made me proud to see how my psy thought we were a great couple. He wants me to be more confident about myself, by the way.
Another positive from the last few days has been my creative mood... I have seriously been cutting/pasting and what more of some members of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
brievenbus , made my Christmas cards (even if I am not sure how to send them this year - if I don't hurry up they might arrive in june of next year :s ). The only thing I have NOT been doing is writing. Yes, shoot me.
Still on the planning of today:
* Write my letters of Amnesty
* Go and fetch Pablo for some fishing (while I read the 3rd of Stieg Larsson's Millennium)
* Cook (either the caught fish or some chicken from the fridge)
* Bring back my book to the library (where a 10 euro fine is waiting for me -argh)
* Call Junior
My baby was stillborn, but sometimes I like to believe I gave her up for adoption, and that she's now loved and happy with another family.
In the real world the little ticker says it's been 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days since we said goodbye. Pablo let me know in his own way that he's traumatised by the last times he had to identify her (first in the morgue - a week after she passed, and then at the funeral home, three weeks after she'd passed). He also says he's scared of the nights. I am not sure how I can help him.
The nights are my best friends now, really. I dread waking up, and having to face reality, each day again. I prefer the nights, that allow me to escape, in my dreams, in a reality that I am not living consciously.
... I am still alive.
AND
I am doing fine!
Over the last 2 days I have been out, at a work seminar. Nobody expected me (not me in the least), but I did it. I went, got a lot of hugs, and actually felt like 100 times better than if I would have stayed home.
Today started nervous and extremely violent. I even cried a little, but I eventually lost them- these bad feelings -somewhere in the seminar. I am not really participating, I am not really doing any kind of work... Actually I don't know really what I am doing there... I talked to several people, about Yael, and not about Yael... and I just..be.
I guess people are right that I should meet people (nice people!), and that I should leave the house more often.
I also invited Pablo to go and dance with the 40 participants of the seminar. How good is that of me, uh?! Anyway, he first thought it was a good idea, but then changed his mind. I shall buy him a big beer and we'll snuggle together, watching another episode of Fringe tonight, instead.
Two days ago was international day against violence against women. I'd been saving this little joke for that occasion, but I forgot it (blame my missing short term memory)
( The 5 secrets of a happy woman )( Read more... )
There are truly some amazing people in this world. She is one of them.
My memory is a problem.
I keep on recalling stuff from that day, causing me tears at the most apropiate an inapropiate moments, but I don't seem to be able to recall what I did yesterday or the day before. I was totally convinced I'd forgotten to translate an article I'd put online, but when I checked, it turned out to be well and done - 3 days ago already. When my psy asked me what it is P and I like to do together, I'm like "huh?". When she is asks what makes me feel peaceful, I give her the same answer.
I have been trying to get into writing again, printed out some 'excercises', read them numerous times yesterday, even had a few ideas I wanted to work on, ... but today I can't even remember what the excercise was about. Not even if if think REAL hard.
****
Positives of Yesterday
* Fede's answer to my witchy email, and the fact that I got two wins from it: he kinda apologised, and agreed to stay out of my life. I am grateful he closed the door in a serene way.
* Leslie's spamming of my mailbox :D - what would I do without you, uh?
* Psy's massages (unlike her talking)* The conversation with the man that brought me home yesterday.
My head, my left arm and my shoulders hurt like hell. And I hardly slept last night. I didn't want to take another sleeping pill, cause I took one the night before already, but maybe I should have just taken one.
Emotionally I don't feel too bad, but I sometimes feel so misunderstood. I asked Pablo to go, shop and have a walk with me yesterday. Turns out my idea of walking (a 2hr walk home through the park) was not quite his idea of walking (walking in between shops, in the most trafficked area of the city). He was surprised I got even more tense than I already was.
At 2 PM Waris and a newly arrived colleague of mine happened to be in the same area of the city as us, and so we decided to meet up. To say Hi, I thought. Instead we ended up together until 10 PM. We had fun, but still... It was just a bit too much for me: no walk, always in company, way too loud music at night... On top the newly arrived colleague asked me how far along was I - guess I should do something about the little left over babybump. I wasn't hurt by her question, but still...
I think the whole purpose was to RELAX... Instead I got just the oposite.
Home around 10 PM, Pablo didn't seem to understand I was dead - tired and wanted to sleep. To escape, be knocked down, really. I had a rough night, and have been awake since 5 AM again, basically thanks to Pablo again :s
Today I am home alone again. Will try to take it calm, maybe do something creative, and else count the hours till it's 8PM and I can take one of these wonderpills again.
Nothing's worse than trying to cope with something, when everybody around you seems to be in the same situation, but on the other side of the 'luck-line'. For the time when I was due three more people were with me waiting for their babies. All three had healthy babies. Not me. I didn't even get a 'sick' baby. I got no baby at all.
Around this time, about a month after my due date, two of my colleagues are due. And so, here I am again... Waiting for their good news, while I, well... we already know.
Lies, the one who graciously sent me the birth announcement of her first son Mathias, dumped everybody back in august, by -supposingly- going home for holidays, but never coming back. Behind everybody's back she sold her whole household, got on the plane and resigned the moment she got in Belgium. Why so sneaky? Because she' s a hypochondriac and she knew that people (my boss) wouldn't accept her silly games anymore. I wondered why she then got pregnant in the first place, knowing she'd freak out about her health situation in the local circumstances she was living. Anyway, she choose to be selfish. And she has her baby. Because that's how life works.
The one left standing is Mariella, my other colleague. She makes me even more upset than Lies. Mariella got pregnant unexpectedly, and it was/is clear to all of us that her baby is very much unwanted. During these whole 9 months she showed no interest whatsoever to that growing creature in her belly. When I asked her when was her last menstruation date she had no idea and had to call her husband to find out (I asked her because there were serious doubts about her due date). When she was 7 months pregnant, and I 8 months, we coincidentally ended up in the waiting room at the same time. She saw the pregnancy book I was reading and asked if she could have a look. Sho told me she hadn't bought a single book on pregnancy. She's now in Peru, her home country, where she'll give birth. In March she should get back to the DR, to finish her contract. They have actually considered dumping the baby in Peru with relatives, so she could peacefully finish her contract here, and go back three months later. The other option is that a relative joins them hereto. In a nutshell, she's not thinking taking care of that baby. These things might still change as soon as she's got the angel in her hands, but still... Am I allowed to say that I want to kill her?! Because, obviously.. she WILL have her baby, healthy and all... again...because that's how life works!
After Mariella's baby has come to the world, I am confident my 'angustia' will be over. Yes, more people are pregnant, but no one I have hard feelings to. All in all, I believe everybody deserves his or her baby. It's just that I didn't deserve to lose my baby.
I am not sure whether it's this period of waiting that got me the way I feel right now, or whether it's just another thing of the whole coping process, but I am having nightmares - Every.Single.Night. And always about the same thing: A relative I love, mostly my sister, is in danger and I must rescue her or she will die. I never even get to the saving point, but it never gets to the dying point either, though. In my dreams this person is also always a 'child-version' of the person I dream of. Last night my sister was about 3-4 years old.
Something positive?
* I am getting back a certain routine when it comes to work.
* I left the house yesterday to go fishing with Pablo. He seemed happy that I'd joined him. And I read a few chapters of my book.
* While being in the car with Waris we were talking about Santa Claus, Saint Nicolaus (Sinterklaas - San Nicolas in spanish), Papa Noel (FR) and it made me so confused with all these languages (and no less that we are really talking about two different guys here) that I ended up calling our holy guy 'Papanicolao' -> pap smear test.
I didn't think I'd ever say it, but I wish I could go and see my shrink today. I could use one of her painful massages.
Today I'll only talk about these last two:
Feeling well-Joke -> My positives from yesterday and the day before:
* Money : Not only did I get my 675 euros already, they also added my 'study-expenses', something I hadn't counted on in a life time. All this meant I could *finally* put some money in my savings account again. Hooray!
* My appointment with Mrs Psychologist went well. We talked, but without giving me the idea that I needed to open my soul completely. She also gave me a whole body massage, which was soooooooooo painful that even yesterday and today my neck and shoulders still hurt :s. She got extra points by never mentioning God in the 75 minutes she worked with me, and never having watched the time. I am also proud at myself for having been assertive at a moment I could have easily gone home crying, with empowered guilt-feelings.
* Monique, from my dad's work, sent us a card (or how a stupid thing like an ashtray can change dynamics completely - Monique is now retired, but while working at my dad's work - where he has one of the higher functions, and she used to be one of the 'lower' employees - she was PETRIFIED of my dad. I found out, one day, that she collects ashtrays from around the world, and so, when I left for Bolivia I started a tradition of always sending her an ashtray, from every country where I was sent to: Bolivia, Estonia, South Africa and the DR. The first time my dad brought her the ashtray, she apparently was so scared when she saw my dad coming up to her, that she almost ran off. She couldn't believe her eyes when she opened the package, and since then... well, I think I had dynamics change a bit, haha! I don't think about it too often, but on moments like this, when she sends us a card because she heard about Yael, I can't help thinking how much a simple thing like an ashtray can do)
* A conversation between Waris (our befriended Taxi-guy) and me, while he was driving me home from my psy-appt:
- Waris, when you bring me hereto again next week, can you please take this and that street, so that I can find my own way hereto in the future?
- No need to, Joke. I will bring you every week until you feel better!
- No Waris, I can't go on moving myself in my protected bubble. I really need to 'jump' into daily life again, taking public transport and so..
- "Pues, te puedes lanzar por otro lado - que yo te llevo aca!" . You can jump in somewhere else, but I am bringing you here. Free of charge!
* I feel better, but at the same time I start to realise, during these good moments, that Yael WAS, IS and WILL EVER BE a part of me. It gives a balanced feeling. That doesn't make it any less unfair, though.
Silly Joke -
Remember the Christmaslights I hung on the balcony? So that Yael could easily find us back, in the darkness of the nights? Well, turns out that our neighbour hang her christmas lights one day later AND THEY ARE STRONGER THAN OURS! I admit it even made me angry for a minute.
Silly, silly me.
(even more silly of me is that I can't stop thinking of this movie, where the plot is about putting so many christmaslightning on your house, that you can see it from space.)
I guess I thought it would be interesting - making track and consciously be aware of my mood swings. Today nothing is interesting. And nothing is positive. Saturday and Sunday obviously had their positives, but I don't remember them. That's the new me. If I don't write it down right away, I forget it. Questions like 'What did you do this or that day', are now answered with a big 'Uuhh.. I don't remember. We must have done something, right?'. As a matter of fact the only positive there is right now are the 4 boxes of heavy pills next to my bed - knowing they could come in handy, someday.
I don't want to die, really. I guess I see that when I think of a next pregnancy. I' rather wait a bit longer than these 6 months, and not run the risk of ripping open my belly halfway. I don't want to die, but at the same time I want to. What's the use in being here, I ask myself? Have I *ever* been happy?
Sure I was - until my 14th or 15th birthday more or less. From then on there were still good times. But *happy* times?! I don't know.
I found back a piece of happiness when I met Pablo. I got stable again in all senses and that was a good thing to happen. Now this. I still have Pablo and the good times are still here. Happiness is gone, though.
I am back where I was before: I want to hurt myself, but I'm in all aspects too weak for it. I can't even have my leg bleed a little on purpose, or have myself starve a few days without food. It's so confusing.
I wish it would all go away.
Me and Pablo are doing normal, as a couple. Normal is the correct word - as if nothing happened. I wonder whether Pablo can only be counted on in crisis situations. He was great back then. Now the crisis is over and it's back to our old lives: he goes out, phones to let me know what time he'll be home with the promise that he'll cook for me and colleague who's staying over a couple of days. He shows up 3 or 4 hours later than agreed. And if I say something about it, it's always my fault.
I have no power left to discuss and decide to go to bed with one of these heavy sleeping pills - not because I need one, but just because I want to be knocked out completely.
I am wondering how it would be to fill my days with these pills - wouldn't it be great to sleep a few days - day -night -only to wake up to take a next pill?
I am all alone here. The only person I know here is Pablo, but he doesn't want to talk about Yael. It keeps us in the past he says. If I feel the need to talk I must either phone my parents or my sister, or write here.
On a different note: we are having constant powercuts again :s . Our invertor is empty all the time. We have power from 1 PM till 3 or 4 PM and then again from 11 PM till 3 or 4 AM. Not enough, but I reckon there is a problem with our invertor too :s He should last longer than he does now.
Also, finishing stuff can really be satisfying. Yesterday I finished my first letter since Yael died- today I plan on writing my second. Yesterday I also 'finished' Yael's memory book. It's not entirely finished, because I know that my mom and sister still want to add something, and I know Ju is writing a story, so these will still have to be included, but generally speaking: it's finished.
I wish other things would be finished aswell.
Yesterday was a good day. Since a few days I tend to grade my moods in percentages, in relation to my older self- being a 100% the person who I was before all this happened. Yesterday I started the day at 45% but ended it at 65%. That's what I would call a good day. On bad days I don't get over 10%, on superb moments I might reach an 75-80% .
There is a strange thing I noticed, though. Whenever I get over that 50% level - the moment I officially start to feel good, it's like this whole disaster didn't happen to me. The higher I get on my self made scale, the more I start to feel like: "Baby dead - sure, that sucks, but what does it have to do with me?" It's either as if it didn't happen, or that it didn't happen to me. That Yael was someone else's baby. It's weird. And eventhough it's nice to feel good for a moment, it still feels kinda disrespectful to 'ignore' Yael in moments like these. Right now I feel like a 50% - not too bad, not too good...
It's also surprising how I swing from one mood section to another, without having real control over it myself. One day is a good day, the next is one of the worst: all without any particular reason. I just seem to wake up in a certain mood section. Over the last few days I (?) managed to change 'sections', which I think is a good sign. Starting a day feeling bad, but ending it well is quite a big thing, no? I know now that when I feel really bad I should phone my mom or sister, or hope for some nice emails in my mail box. Keeping myself busy also helps a bit. And talking... lots of talking (even if it's written down in a letter or my LJ)
So, I hope I will manage to at least remain at my 50% today, maybe even lift it up a bit.
Yesterday was a good day - here is my list of positives:
* First of all: I have again the HONOR to share my monthly cycle with my great friend
kill_the_onions . :D I am not sure someone wants to know the story behind this Positive, but here goes anyway: several months before I got pregnant we found out we were sharing cycles. Both trying to conceive at the time, we had several months of funny/crazy/stupid or emotional talking, every time we -again- had our period. When I got pregnant, there was a moment I even felt sad for losing my crazy monthly chitchats with her. Yesterday I suspected I was getting back into my normal cycle, and so I decided to ask her whether, coincidentally, she wasn't having her period as well. And turns out we share again! It might not be the best of things, but at least we are in good company!
It made me laugh so hard, and I am actually glad to see some things HAVEN'T changed!
* I had a great talk with my brother on the phone, yesterday.That is, to say the least ... very unusual! My brother and I fought for years on end, even not talking at all to eachother for something close to 10 years. It's been only a couple of years (2?) that we again talk to eachother, but even now we don't have any contact really. He had written me a little note when Yael died, but nothing more really. Yesterday I phoned home, when coincidentally my brother and sister were visiting, and so I had the chanse to talk to the whole gang. I talked for a pretty long while with my brother. He told me that I must know that everybody is really shocked about what happened with Yael. That was really sweet to hear. He wanted to know whether we had any news from the second autopsy already (long story - will be for some other time), and I dunno, he was just very sympathetic... Really liked talking to him.
Pablo and I also watched Michael Jackson's This is it yesterday. I am not much of a fan of MJ's, but I must say I was happily surprised by the professionalism of the man. He sure knew his job! Also, he seemed a really loving person. Both these things really surprised me a lot, and he's really gotten my respect! That still doesn't make me die hard fan or so, but at least I have this feeling I know the person of MJ better now. He seemed like a nice person to know.
So today was... bad?
Fortunately halfway the day my mom phoned, and she let me cry. And yell too, how I want this nightmare to be over already. That I am so done with it. I want it to go away.
I felt somewhat relieved after that.
And so my day took a bit of a new start.
That on its own is already worth 3 points in my list of MustBePositive's, I believe.
The other positive things of today were:
* I cooked (My Dominican version of Pitta - meat, veggies and looots of garlic sauce) - and it turned out good! Pablo isn't home yet, so I don't know yet what he'll say, but I am pretty confident he'll like it too.
* The recipe for the garlic sauce (yes, I needed a recipe for that) mentioned smashed garlic. I laughed.
* Despite staring at my screen for quite some time, I did manage to tell myself to finish certain tasks - not bad.
* I made mail for someone else who can use some cheering up. If you feel like bringing a smile on someone's face too, in a very easy way, then check this out. I don't even know these people, just found out about their blog a couple of days ago, but I figured both Kristen and her family can use some caring words, and let making mail just be my favorite hobby ever.
As I've come to realise: it made me feel better, making someone else feel better! This definitely must be my strategy of survival.
* Apparently my godfather (the uncle I mentioned in a post a few days ago - father of the cousin who gave birth to her baby daughter) phoned my dad to ask how I am doing. *Surprised*
* I did NOT waste half of my day surfing the internet or watching Sex and the City online.
* Oh, and I made an appointment with a psychologist for next Tuesday.
Tomorrow I plan on leaving the house for a while - aha!
Can't even find 3 positive things for yesterday's list.
1) Nicole's email saying they will inscribe Yael in our matrimony booklet. That was good!
2) ...
3) ...
Besides, finding three positive things isn't that hard. I did cook, Pablo and I left the house and I really tried to feel better, but nothing helped, and so they are not included in my MustBePositiveList.
I cooked, but the recipe didn't include 2 hrs of cooking, so I will blame it on that that the result wasn't quite as yummy as I'd hoped for. On top I couldn't even do the Pablo-test, since just when we were going to have dinner the bell rang and his mother and grandmother appeared. It always makes us pretty uncomfortable when they show up like that: unexpectedly, most often while we are ready to go or eat. I know it is a cultural thing, and I KNOW that even in Belgium it wouldn't be very polite to not offer dinner when people show up at your doorstep when you are having dinner yourself. BUT! In Belgium it wouldn't be very polite to drop by around dinner time, without calling first, in the first place. So anyway, another awkward situation. I wish they'd learn by themselves, as I can't bring myself to ask them to phone next time they want to come over.
In any case, we didn't enjoy dinner - even if it was maybe - a bit - yummy.
I phoned Maria, which was a good thing to do, but it didn't make me feel any better. Maria, an ex colleague of mine, turns out to have lost her babygirl about 4 months ago, in very similar circumstances as I. Her baby suffocated while trying to be born, due to a cord accident.
Instead of going to the movies as planned, Pablo and I went shopping for clothes. Even though we found some stuff, I can't say it made me feel much better.
And I stared at my computer almost all day long, trying to do some work. I did do nothing!
The powercuts are so severe again that our new invertor, with the double in capacity than the previous (stolen) one, turned out completely discharged last night. :s
-end rant-
*Happy almost 1-month birthday, kleine Yaelemel.*
Today is a bad day. They say anger is part of the mourning proces, so I guess I should be glad to know I am normal. I have had three pretty good days in a row. I guess I am allowed to an angry day.
I know it's insane, but I am so extremely angry at:
1) Fede - not that he's got anything to do with it, except from the fact that his wife is due soon, or that he managed to call Yael a miscarriage. I already kicked him off my facebook and my email. Now I want him out of my head too. Out, out, OUT of my life!
2) Yael - Seriously. I am pissed of at my baby! For leaving us, for not wanting to be with me, for having me given all the hope in the world and as easily taken it all away again. I know this wasn't in her power, but yet I can't help feeling angry at her right now.
This morning I woke up with some kind of erotic dream of Pablo and I in my head. Thought it would be a good idea to put it 'into practice' (well, not quite, as we are pretty careful about the 6-weeks-no-sex that the doctors adviced us, plus: I am not yet on birth control, and don't want to take the risk of ripping my newly stitched belly open because of too much, too soon.)
It turned out a bit of a disaster anyway, basically because Yael was in my head all the time :s
Come on! Give me a break, alright! I have just been pregnant for almost a whole year, during which our sex life was close to non-existing. Now that we can, Yael will keep on haunting me?!
It's crazy to see how life now could be just the same as a year ago, yet, at the same time everything has changed so much, and NOTHING is the same anymore.
I also wonder how the hell someone - who I never even met, really - can put a world upside down in such a drastic way. I am sure there is some psychological explanation to it, but it surprises me in a way. Here I am, crying on a daily basis, for a baby I saw maybe 10 minutes, never had any direct contact to outside the belly, and while in the belly, I was constantly afraid of. I don't get it.
Yesterday I was working on something, when all of a sudden I had this feeling deep inside of me that said: "Ok, I showed it alright. I can be strong, I AM strong, and this is not breaking me..... NOW GIVE ME MY BABY BACK!" Sure enough this isn't a normal kind of punishment. They won't give her back to me - ever.
Assholes!
Must. Be. Positive!
My three (and even more!) positive things for yesterday:
* I did some work, for the first time in a month. Not anything brilliant, but just three copy/paste thingies that I put online. Today I try something more.
* I cooked. No less than 2 (!!) hrs in the kitchen, for a chicken-leek-quiche-kinda-thing. I guess I understand now where my horrific cooking skills came from: I am just too lazy to 'waste' two hrs preparing and cooking. Ofcourse the result was never as exquisite as these last two days. The greatest part is when Pablo starts eating. If I have to ask him whether the food is ok, I know it isn't really :D Yesterday and the day before he took one bite and said right away "Mmmhh, this is GOOD!" Tadaaa!
* I got some new friends from
brievenbus... I am glad I posted, because I was somewhat scared that no-one would like me, or that they would tell me that the community is not made to beg for new friends. I really have this idea there are a lot of very nice people out there. *happy**I did my part for the monthly Amnesty International actions. By the way, did you know there is no AI movement in the DR? Yesterday I all of a sudden had the brilliant idea of starting one up myself. For over a few hrs all I could think about was how I would organise myself and others, and how to make promotion and more blahblah...Then I wondered whether this is MY way to ignore my own needs. Every time I feel bad - very bad - I seem to dive into some kind of social project/idea. A perfect outlet, yes, but not quite healthy when it comes to learning how to cope with my own feelings. So, I'll put the idea in the fridge for now, at least until I've seen a psychologist myself.
* Ju wubbz me :)
And despite my anger, but today started positive aswell - with an email from Belgium saying they WILL inscribe Yael in our matrimony-booklet. She won't be registered officially, as she never lived outside the belly, but at least she will be symbolically recognised as part of our family. Ain't that good?
I promise I won't keep on writing about the same thing - forever... I am starting to feel guilty for all of you who read this, to be honest.
When my mom left on Friday she gave me several 'tasks', to make sure I am focussing on the right things, and not driving myself into a depression. One of these things was to write down three positive things that happened that day. I would have forgotten already, if it wasn't for my sister who reminded me yesterday...
I have had two good days in a row, and today started well aswell. No pills, not even too much crying (eventhough the feeling of constantly drowning in my own eyes is still there)
My three positive things for yesterday were:
* Bernardo's visit : When I heared the bell ring at 10 AM I was asking myself whether to answer the door or not. I suspected Pablo's family and was in no mood to see them. They are just of no help, on the contrary. But I figured they have as much right to see whether I am doing ok, and so I decided to answer anyway, only to find Bernardo, one of my colleagues, on the doorstep. Was soooooo happy to see him and being able to talk to him.
* My neighbour -girl Adi. I can't believe there was a time I didn't even know Adi was around. All I was focussed on was her little cousin, the baby with the funniest smile ever. Adi is sweet. Yesterday she told me she's 5 years old. I feel for the girl. Her mom got pregnant with her when she was only 14, and because she was still a minor when she gave birth to Adi, Adi wasn't allowed to be registered officially. So now Adi still doesn't have a birth certificate, and therefor hasn't been in school for a single day yet. I wish I could adopt her. Or steal her. Or maybe just teach her.
* Cooking attemp N° 1: Pasta with Shrimps. Oh oh.. did I surprise myself, or what?! Even Pablo, who is the chef at home was happily surprised at how my garlic shrimps turned out.
And it rained yesterday, which is also positive. And I received some really lovely emails, from my sister, from Pieter-Jan... Also very, very heartwarming!
Today the weather is belgian grey.
Another thing my mom told me is to stop reading certain blogs. I won't follow her advice on that one, though.
The thing is that during my whole pregnancy I was scared our baby would be born sick. As you maybe know already Pablo's mom and dad are both mentally disabled, which is just something you can't deny when you are thinking about having children. My parents always wanted me to think positive, but I don't quite agree with their definition on positiveness. They (esp my mom) seem to think that by ignoring the possibility, I am more positive, than when I try to mentally prepare me for all possibilities. I know for a fact that both Pablo and me do well with disabled children, but still, I just wanted to be prepared - so that, in case our baby would be sick, we'd not be too overwhelmed. And at the same time I wanted to start some kind of awareness process, preparing my family for these same possibilities. My mom always thought I overreacted - until she met Pablo's parents a couple of weeks ago. She then admitted she'd be even more worried than I was. Nevertheless she still told me to stop reading some blogs I have been following, about parents with kids with disabilities.
But moms can't always be right.
On the contrary: I really believe everybody should have a look at those blogs. I am amazed at how people, often not much older, or even younger than us, cope with having a severely disabled child. Sure, these babies and children become adults eventually, and things are definitely not always as positive as they might get described, but I still believe we can learn a lot from them.
Meet...
Sara - Kadyn's mommy : a mom in het early 20's taking care of Kadyn, who has hydrocephalus
Kristin - Cayman's mommy : Kristin is by far the most positive woman I have ever known. She and her husband Mike seem to be the perfect family with their daughter Cayman, who suffers from Hydrocephalus
Sarah - a 19 yo girl with Down syndrome writing her own blog
This is for
melizard_mama, as today is the day her boy should have been born. ( Read more... )
As for me, I can't believe it's almost a month since we said our farewells to Yael. This very next Thursday is the 12th already, of a new month. A whole month of really thinking of nothing else but what happened, talking only about the same things, over and over again. A friend of mine, who I know reads this, told me she went back to work two weeks after she lost her baby girl. I don't know where she found the strength to do so. I feel I am just now getting ready to -slowly- get back to a certain routine. Slowly, because what I said in an earlier post: the bad days are worse than ever. I am pretty convinced that my parents were really worried when they had to leave on Friday, as I had just had one of my worst days ever. As a matter of fact, I was even worried with myself.
Two years ago I went to see a psychologist for a couple of months. I remember feeling bad at the time, crying a lot, and the moment I realised I needed help was when I felt I couldn't handle it anymore, on my own. Now I know I need professional help... not so much because I can't do it on my own, but because I am scared that in these bad moments I will do something stupid. It's a complete different perspective.
When I think about Yael I feel so 'punished'. I really have this feeling she was taken away from me for something bad I did in the past (enough reasons possible) or either for something I was going to do in the future: be a bad mother or whatever... And it just makes me desperate. I really would like to have the courage and hope to be positive for the future, but this point of view gives me no hope that I will ever be allowed to have a baby of my own. And this thought hurts... so much.
My parents told me I should DO things: get out of the house, switch of my computer (which she called a 'fake' world - too bad it's the only world responding to my cries), make plans, cook something healthy, clean the house...
I guess I should start making a list of things I KNOW how to do, because right now I get stuck in my list of can't do's: I can't cook, I can't clean properly, I don't know anyone here...
Nevertheless I do have *some*plans:
* Work on Yael's memory book (people who want to write a little something to her/for her: always welcome!)
* Read Marc Levy's La Prochaine Fois
* Buy new clothes, starting with the sporty shirt I saw in a certain store
* Read and organise all the magazines that my parents brought
* Cook *something* nice, hopefully once a day.
* Read Ju's lovestory and work on Beats of Life 2009
* Work out a day schedual, in which some creative writing is contemplated
As time goes by
the good days get better
but
the bad days get worse
...
so much worse
meds-needed worse
...
Reminder to myself: Write your story, woman (Thanks, Ju)
Why, oh why, does it feel as if I am not 'allowed' to answer any babies/children/mother questions anymore, even if the questions are written from a hypothetical point of view?
Questions like "Are there any mums out here?" or "How do you raise/ plan on raising your kids, in your intercultural setting?" ... It was fun to dream, and it was fun to dream that soon I would be able to give a REAL answer on how I was doing it. Now I just scroll down, thinking that this is not a question for me to answer. Me? A mom? Planning? Sure, ...whatever.
And oh, from the three 'friends' that were pregnant and due around Yael's due date, all three have given birth safely already: 2 boys and 1 girl. The girl being my cousin's daughter. I try to convince myself that I don't care. The chanses of ever seeing that cousin again are so slim anyway. And if it weren't for my personal efforts I wouldn't have seen my aunt and godfather (her parents) in years as well, so I guess it will be too easy to just ignore that part of my life.
Tonight my parents are flying back. That should be fun. NOT! I have seriously no idea how I will survive the 6 weeks between tonight and when my sister and her boyfriend arrive for Christmas. Next week a colleague of mine might be staying here for a couple of days.
Sigh...
Feeling better,
Yael is finally cremated. And she's back home with us, for now, in her little box...
The second autopsy report was missing, though, in the files I was given at the funeral home. One woman tried to convince me that 'the cause of death was mentioned on the official death certificate: 'Sufrimiento fetal cronico'... '. No kidding. I told her in a rather ironic way that I already knew that she was still born, that we wanted to know WHY, and that that was the reason why we had the second autopsy done. A few phone calls later they indeed found out that this part was still missing. Oh boy...
I am slowly making plans again... That could be a sign that I am slowly moving on, no?
Someone taking part in NaNoWriMo this year? I am thinking I should challenge myself to finishing my children story before the end of November...